WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“no gods no masters” = leo
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠