[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.