Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.