Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
house sitting!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months