Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
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Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!