For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Self-cleaning conscience
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
who will stop them
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~