Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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lmao
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213