I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them