[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?