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Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Who.
Did.
This?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.