Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’d hang this in my house.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please