the icebreaker
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”