Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
first you must answer his riddles
kids play hide and seek like
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King