How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.