chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
You Might Also Like
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I drew y’all a little something.
There’s never enough good news
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs