I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
This a good idea
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.