[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…