To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
You Might Also Like
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Good morning y’all ☀️
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
cry laughing at this shit