i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead