The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
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Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
i really liked this one
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.