People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.