Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Tremendous stuff
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?