Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
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Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice