Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
i think both sides are to blame here
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.