Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
You Might Also Like
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.