me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.