1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Banking tips
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My hips? Compulsive liars.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.