“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.