Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.