If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand