Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
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Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
🤣🤣
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.