Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
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I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I can’t be the only one 😂
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.