[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Iâve not watched The Traitors and to be honest itâs not as good as not watching Love Island
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: iâll let you no.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
The 7 dwarfs of allergy seasonâŚ
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I wish this was real life…
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Who else does this đ¤Śđ˝đ
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I donât care if youâre black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyoneâs life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
âIâVE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,â I scream at my house
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I donât drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Did my cat write this
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and Iâve never felt more David Attenborough.
[concert]
Security Guard: Maâam, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I donât think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.