*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*