Wednesday
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When they try to steal your moment.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?