[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.