I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
New menu item
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Lmao
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.