I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.