My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Anime is real
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.