Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.