The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Spa day..😅
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.