[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile