The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
dutch is not a serious language
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough