Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
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Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.