I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
This is the best one I’ve seen
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably