Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
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I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.