Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.