My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
#ParentingFacts
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Life cycle of cat
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Bill is short for Billiam