Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
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Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Raisins are grape jerky.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Story of my life…..
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*