Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Just why bro?!
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced